…yes, I’m in the Cocoon. Whenever I am going through a major transitional period in my life, I like to think of the analogy of a butterfly. When the caterpillar makes it’s cocoon, it is only a matter of time before a beautiful butterfly emerges. However, if one were to peak inside the cocoon before this process was complete, I have no doubt that things would look incredibly messy. That is how I feel right now…incredibly messy, only I cannot hide away in a cacoon like I wish I could. Instead, I force myself out into the world, to continue moving forward with work, projects, and integration, and although the world cannot see it, I am wearing my invisible cacoon.
I recently took a journey to Peru. I left August 18th and returned home September 6th. I traveled to the Amazon Jungle, to work with shamanic healers there. It was 12 days of total introspection and inner work, and then I ended my trip in Cusco, Peru, where I visited the magical Machu Picchu. I have definitely chosen the road less traveled for myself and my life. I do feel that my life’s work is about my own healing and expansion, mostly so that I can help facilitate the healing and expansion of others. One thing I know well, is that when we go deep, and journey into the depths of our traumas, pain, fears, shame, hopelessness, and insecurities, it takes a lot of courage and energy. The ending result is always positive, however, it can take a while to actually integrate all the healing and new information one gets after such a journey inward. That’s the experience I am currently having.
Last week was my first week back in LA. I actually got totally sick and was pretty much in bed and out of work the entire week. This was NOT how I’d planned to make my big return home. I had planned to dive right back into work, making headway on all sorts of amazing opportunities that began to sprout before I left, and I was going to hit the gym hard after a month of no working out. However, being sick forced me to slow down, and as a result, I learned a thing or two. As I was faced with all my fear of everything falling apart due to my inoperable condition, an insight came to me about the possibility of letting go of everything I think I know in order to access new awareness and deeper healing. You see, I so often want to make things look and feel a certain way because I am convinced that there is only ONE WAY for me to be o.k. or only ONE THING or ONE TYPE of person that will be good enough. This truth is one of my truths that I have been a subscriber to my entire life. However, this I can no longer support, because I just know too damn much now and there’s no turning back. It feels very scary, to let go of old ways of thinking, but I know it is time, and exactly what must happen for me to take the next step closer to living in alignment with my purpose and power. It’s like I get powerful intuitions about people, opportunities, and self-healing, and I just ignore them, because I assume they should look differently. As a result, I’ve been keeping the things that are in alignment with me at a distance, instead of allowing things to unfold naturally. Ugggh, all of these insights are flooding in daily, but I know all of it is just part of my integration and transformation after Peru. I am staying with the process but it can feel so difficult when I am questioning EVERYTHING. It feels like I don’t know what I want anymore, or why I don’t seem to get certain things I’ve been asking for and wanting for so long. I am questioning what feels important, what feels good, and what is really something worth making a priority or not. I feel stuck between my inner and outer worlds, trying to find a way to live in both of them at the same time. I know I am so blessed to have such problems. Anyway, if any of you out there resonate with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I’ll be in my invisible cocoon ;/