Well, I am feeling so much better than I was last week. I am integrating my Peru trip at a rapid pace now, and everything is beginning to fall into place…and it’s a WILD and PROFOUND journey! A few things were made super clear to me as a result of my struggles upon returning to L.A.
1) EVERYTHING that is put in front of us has landed on our path as a tool for us to use to create a better life. Yes, even the “bad” stuff. If we are conscious about this, we can really leverage the most uncomfortable and most painful of times, as the most profound and healing tools for us. Today, I am using everything “in my way” and “the way.” I have moved from fear and resistance, into acceptance and curiosity about each day and what gifts it will bring.
2) We MUST feel our feelings. It is when we want to numb out the most, that it is so important to bring awareness into how we are feeling in our body. I use to struggle with things such as alcohol, drugs, over-eating, etc. I have learned that these things were only my solution and actually, my thinking around my feelings was the problem. I did everything I could to run away from myself, so I didn’t have to experience the discomfort, pain, fear, insecurities, etc. But the TRUTH is …you can only numb it out for so long. Ultimately you have to face it. When I got home from Peru, I was really confronted with so much of my deep fears, doubts, lack and limitations. Some really old stuff came up for me…stuff I thought was in the past, such as my body image issues, binge eating, and some physical stuff. I felt weak, afraid, and lost. I began to experience feelings of anger, hopelessness, resentment, and sadness. However, I now have the consciousness that I did not have a few years ago. I understand that when I begin to overeat, or spin out in my head and feel depression lurking…it means there are feelings on the horizon due to POSITIVE change on the horizon. I MUST feel the feelings on the horizon in order have my breakthrough. These days, I can use my addictive behaviors as a signal, that I need to spend some extra time, turning within, tuning into my body and what I am feeling inside. Is it heavy, is it moving around, is it in my stomach, or maybe my heart? I ask myself these questions to help me tap into it and bring my awareness inward. This “feeling through” process allows me to contact the source of my feelings, and help them energetically move up and out of me. So, begin to bring awareness into your life. If you begin to notice fluttering in your tummy, feelings of suffocating, or anxious feelings within…be aware of the ways in which you attempt to “handle” them. Instead of numbing out, and trying to run away from something that will ALWAYS find you…try to take a few minutes each day to sit in silence. Breathe, and ask your body to show you where the source of your suffering is, and to help you feel it so you can let it go and release it into the light.
3) Sometimes we just need to be internal. The last couple of weeks I had a lot of judgement come up around the fact that I was not doing all the things I thought I should be doing upon my return from a month in Peru. The ironic part was that I had no say in the matter. I would’ve hit the ground running, but I got sick. It’s as if a power greater than me stepped in and took over. I was FORCED to slow down, and to be in doors, in my house, with me, myself, and I. I caused a lot of suffering for myself at first, as I sat around moping and feeling guilty and inadequate for having to stay home. However, it hit me one day that I WASN’T READY TO GO BACK TO WORK ANYWAY! In fact, I really didn’t feel ready to do anything, see ,or talk to anyone. Therefore, it was obvious that I needed to accept and embrace this time I was being GIVEN to just be internal, to cocoon myself and allow my healing process to really unfold and integrate in my body. You see, it was my conditioning that was the problem. I was certain that if I didn’t hit the ground running and “MAKE THINGS HAPPEN,” then I would simply loose everything…or my world would surely fall apart. I was afraid of being “forgotten” and “traded in” if you will. These were feelings that were very real to me, but once I embraced my process, and felt these feelings in my body, I found that I was wrong. Nothing fell apart, and everything was right where it was when I left, when I finally got back to work. Therefore, if you are feeling really challenged by the thought of stepping outside your front door…try allowing yourself to stay inside. Instead of “doing something” just use your cocoon time to feel your feelings, rest and heal. Try moving from resistance and fear, into acceptance and curiosity about your current circumstances:-)